Look Back Every Once in a While

“Live your life, take chances, be crazy. Don't wait. Right now is the 

oldest you’ve ever been & the youngest you’ll ever be again.”
- The Notebook

This time last year I was a totally different person. I lived in a decent place down South of Cebu City with a small wooden bed (without mattress), a mini office and a portable computer. I had piles of bills on my table, mourning the death of a very close friend and still bearing the agonizing heartache of a recent breakup (for already eight months that time). I was in the middle of a huge project, working for food rather than money and despite the temporary shortcomings I was living in solitude.

I'm now far from what I once was but not yet what I'm going to be.

I'm living comfortably in Mactan Island, away from the life that I used to live for the past few months. I had issues back in the city. I'm currently unemployed, starting a humble advertising company and living with a very good friend. I have not yet reached any of my long term big dreams and my life is awfully stagnant. I have lost my computer, the portfolio of my pride and I'm now wearing a three-month-old scar on my right wrist.

I'm now 21 and uncertain about anything. Uncertain about going abroad or staying, being in a relationship or remaining single and even hesitant to decide if I’ll settle down or travel for the rest of my life.

I went back to my 2010 “Plans List” to see if there was something I was missing. I’ve already had my investment, learned the things I wanted to learn, went to different places and moved on from past heartbreaks. I’ve fulfilled everything that I’ve wanted. I’ve grown. What now?

I don’t know what’s going to happen next but looking back on the adversities that I’ve been through for the past two years, I could almost say that the future doesn’t matter as of the moment. I want to thank God for the kind of woman that He has shaped me: Free-spirited, strong, curious, independent and loving.

I’ve grown too fast for someone who is self-made.

How many times have I almost fallen for temptations that could greatly change the route of my life? How many questions have I asked myself to weigh tough decisions and how many friends have saved me from pointing my finger on the wrong path?

Sometimes you need to stop comparing your achievements to other people’s successes in order to truly see what you have earned in life. I have lived in Mactan for almost three months now and I’ve already met more than thirty people since I came. I’ve learned that no matter how successful a person is, he is in dying need of something that can’t be fulfilled. And through this understanding I have learned to deal with people fairly, looking through them and measuring the quality of their lives not through their successes but through the hardships they’ve been through in order to attain them.

I know I’ll be leaving Mactan soon to embark on another journey towards happiness. I have the need to meet people, to know more about the world and to live life to the fullest. When I was younger I used to dream about living in Mactan for good but now’s not the right time to settle down. My life has just started; I’m too young to fence myself in. There are still so many people to know, lives to change and things to learn.

I pray that I’ll be a better person in the next two years— much more beautiful in spirit, despite the scars that I’ll be getting from my adventures.

Lead Me.

Everything Looks Like a Struggle... In the Middle

“Real obstacles don't take you in circles. 

They can be overcome...

Like a maze.” ~ Barbara Sher

The year started a little unfortunate.

I have not spent the New Year's Eve with my family but we are in good terms. I know, because we have to be in good terms during this time of the year. If the year won't start good, the rest of the year will be troublesome. You know, the superstitious folks.

I dropped my phone on the toilet while taking a pee this morning. It's not working now. Panic Alert! Does that mean my whole year won't be working?

Kidding aside, we all have these superstitious beliefs. On New Year's Eve, I wore my one and only polka dot shirt and red underwear. My 2012 horoscope says I'll be doing fine this year.

You might not lose anything in faith. If you truly believe in something, it will likely happen. Not because destiny's doing it's thing to make it happen autopilot but because you believe it enough to make it happen. It's not about believing or not believing. The real question is: is it worth believing? Will it change the quality of your life?

I said my first prayer this year an hour ago. And by praying, I mean talking and not just praising and asking. I think I just had a love quarrel with God. Too many questions, life's too uncertain. The plans that weren't materialized last 2011 were things I wanted to be materialized this year. I wanted to change the system, I don't even want to live under a system. But sometimes reality has its own way of making your life miserable. It really is perhaps designed to make our lives miserable. The fun part is beating reality.

Life is designed to be uncertain. It has to be. It's an obstacle. I have learned through years of experience that there's nothing certain about life. You get in to the maze without knowledge about how the labyrinth looks like, where the paths go... You just get in and live it. You shouldn't fear about getting lost and stuck in life. The greatest fear that anyone could have is living and just passing. Passing, without footprints on other people's lives. Existing for the sake of existence. Breathing without feeling or feeling without loving.

The struggle between birth and death is what makes life colorful. So be thankful for all the obstacles along the way. 'Cos if there wasn't a labyrinth and the path's just straight, you live the years in consistent boredom. Cry, if you must-- you are born to feel.

Remember that obstacles are designed and made. If there's an obstacle, there's a goal. We are given challenges because God knows we can solve them. I don't think God would want to waste our time putting us through things without purpose. Winning or losing a challenge give us lessons. Winning makes us confident, failing makes us strong.

Several people have lost loved ones last year. Most of them have spent their Christmas away from home. They have lost their homes and so as their lives. Be thankful that despite all the pain you're going through, you still have some of your essentials intact.

Start your year with a new mindset.
May you live the best year of your life.