My Life's Most Difficult Trimester Part 1

It's been years since I last wrote for P&P. My first posts were from 2007, during my 17th birthday. I still could remember that night, although most of the posts no longer remain. I was sitting on a comfortable couch at a newly-opened Internet Cafe near the University of San Carlos, around midnight, celebrating my 17th birthday outside home. Today, 7 years after that night, I'm sitting in front of my laptop, at 5:09 in the morning of my 24th birthday.


My last posts were mostly about my struggles as a budding Jane of all trades, which is now justified with the route that I'm taking and the new set of restrictions of having a family. Although some would think that having restrictions can be bad, it serves me otherwise. I've been a nomad even before I've graduated high school and to settle down was just one of the wisest decisions I've ever made. I made sure that my restrictions won't affect my freedom though, especially the dreams that I have long nurtured.


My journey these days are more colorful, although they cost me less money. I'm currently the breadwinner in the family, although that's not the problem. Working is not hard, but looking for the right space to allocate the "work time" can be a pain. Many times I find myself swerving when in the middle of a big project, feeding my son or running errands. Everything pays off when you see the mini version of yourself happy, so it seems like it's all worth it.


My mother died early this year, but prior to that I've been through a lot of struggles. My pregnancy, although expected and planned, didn't enjoy a perfect timing.

Let me share the story of my life's most difficult trimester.

Doing extra gigs as a ghost writer during my first few years online, I've written several non-fictional self-help books. I am not an expert on a specific field, but I do learn a lot from extensive research (imagine I've written a whole blog around productivity but never really have mastered it!). 

One thing I've learned while writing a book about Social Anxiety was a basic yet eye-opening principle, that our behavior and reaction come from a resource that we store in our minds: experience. The part of the brain that’s responsible in activating this fight or flight response is the Amygdala. Its main purpose is to keep you safe from threats and works on a conscious level.

We unconsciously shape ourselves according to our experiences, good or bad. I believe that most of my fears regarding financial security came from this point of my life, when my eyes were opened to the reality of how hard things really are, whether you think positively towards a specific situation or not.

I once had this naive thought that most people live with, that if you just think positive, everything will be alright. I realized though, that what we really need in order to survive is not a positive mind but a strong and faithful heart. Optimism will keep us sane but through time's constant bashing, it is bound to fail. However, a strong and faithful heart will keep us standing and each time you reach a certain milestone, optimism will just come.

I'm writing this not to preach, because I am but a very weak soul. I'm writing this because someday, life will bash you as well... and I want to remind you that being strong is the only way.


Expecting a baby at 23 might not sound positive for most people but it was good news to me. I was happy to have finally created a new soul and served my earthly purpose. Aside from that, I knew that I had in me another legend, a new person to continue my legacy. Who knows? This human may have in his genes my adventurous spirit-- hungry for knowledge and passionate for something larger than life. It was not until my mother had stroke on the first month of my pregnancy that things went bitter.


Things happened very fast. Her first attack was her last. We've lost everything we had: the business... everything. My initiative to help was to volunteer on taking care of her while in the hospital with Joseph, and of course borrow money (or ask for solicitations) from almost everyone I knew. I don't always borrow money and if you knew me by heart, you know how much it hurts my pride to "beg" from friends and relatives. I didn't a really have a choice.


For most of my life I never thought of money as a huge problem. I thought of it as a resource that can't deplete, because I had the thinking that if you work hard, you can generate it.


Some days were lucky, most days weren't. There were times when we skip meals because we no longer have money. I was jobless since we started staying at the hospital. We've stayed in the hospital for 3 months, 2 months of which we dedicated our time and efforts exclusively. On the 3rd month we realized that we can't live on the extra food we get from mommy's daily ration (she was on NGT so she wasn't able to eat them) and the money that we get from my brother's little efforts while handling the family business, so I pursued on going back to work.

In the hospital lobby there was a coin slot computer machine open for 12 hours near the front desk. I would log in there to check out new projects, save the details to my thumb drive and work on my laptop when I get back to the private room. It went like this for weeks and we were somehow earning just enough money to buy food and preg vitamins.



The neurologist stopped prescribing one medicine when he found out that we're in huge debt. It was an expensive pill, responsible in increasing the acetylcholine levels in her brain. Stopping it was perhaps one of the factors that slowed down her recovery. When we left months later, Belonguel didn't charge us for his professional fee which was around 40,000 pesos. Until now I can't thank him enough.



Her recovery was painstakingly slow. For someone who has already lost both her sense of speech and reasoning, recovery was almost impossible. Physical therapy sessions cost 1,500 per day and every time we sent her to the PT center she didn't seem to show any sign of cooperation. The nurses and therapists were nice, giving her foot massages to ease her up, she liked it that way. However, she wasn't able to reciprocate the kindness. She didn't cooperate on walking sessions and exercises. She shouts for no reason. Nevertheless, we still pay for these sessions. In the hospital, kindness and patience were worth 1,500 per hour. Imagine how much we've paid for 20 days.



Physical therapy sessions were supposed to go on until the patient has fully recovered. In mom's case, we were running out of money to burn. Relatives who tried to help were starting to gain back their senses as well, asking themselves reasonable questions like "how will I know if the money I sent were really spent for the hospital bills?". If I were in their place I'd doubt the same thing as well. Knowing that my siblings weren't reliable people to lend money to, how should I know if they're not keeping the money or even a portion of it to themselves?



I worry about the same question every day while at the hospital. At the top of the counter in our private room you will see 18 cups of Diabetasol (a chocolate or vanilla-flavored milk supplement for regulating blood sugar). Mommy didn't like it and intentionally spilled a cup of it once when we tried to force her to drink it. A couple of months later the 18 cups were consumed. When we ran out of money to buy our own meals, Joseph and I were left with no other choice but to drink them all in order to survive. I didn't know if it posed any risk to my pregnancy, but it was all we had. It didn't taste good but then again, it's all we had.



My brothers were the crosses I had to carry during those times. I entrusted my brother the check worth 16,000, which was supposed to be spent on the meds and our security guards' salary, but he ran away with it. I know this is personal family stuff, but knowing my brothers, they wouldn't mind this post. If they do, their pride doesn't matter to me now more than it mattered during those rough times. It left me devastated. At the state that I'm in plus my pregnancy, it was hard for me to manage all the emotional stress. Guards were cursing me through text while we were losing sleep at the hospital. I thought of the business as a risk to my current condition so that's when the other brother took over. To be honest, it didn't help.



My memories of the hospital are mostly associated with days of starvation. This time I could say that I've hit rock bottom, but more on this later. My mom was constantly shouting at around 1:00 - 3:00AM, when nurses take their rounds to check mom's vital signs, which then wakes her up and the patients on the other rooms as well. We're down to 20 NGTs. She would remove her stomach tube every day. When I saw blood in her tube (due to a small wound caused by frequently taking it off/re-attaching it), I started to beg the doctors to let me spoon feed her.



It was tough for most doctors to give a conclusion. They would visit the room unexpected, asking me to "perform" by feeding her. Three times she didn't cooperate. She'll either yell at the doctors or pretend to be asleep. They worried that not feeding her through the tube might starve her or cause choking, which is more dangerous. I persisted, although they have turned me down thrice. On the last day I told them to visit me one last time, they'll see. When they did, she opened her mouth and was in the mood to eat when I fed her. A small thing, really. But for me, it was a miracle. Seeing her eat for the first time in months made me teary-eyed. It was a sign of cooperation, a sign of hope that she somewhat "understands" me and maybe someday she'll recover.

Graciosa

I realized I've finally hit the rock bottom when I started to beg for food... from a stranger. This was when we had no dinner and I was so hungry I couldn't think straight. If it wasn't for Joseph, taking care of mom could've been a lot harder. I had to survive and feed the child I'm bearing, so we had to do something. Relatives often blame Joseph for the hardships, being unemployed as a soon-to-be father. But I dragged him to this situation. He was a fresh graduate and opportunities were at tpeak. He could've just continued with his life, but instead he chose to stay here to take care of my mother. He was playing the role that my brothers were supposed to play...

Coin-operated Water Machines

That night we went outside and checked out water machines for broken coin slots. Occasionally we would find coins stuck in the machine. It was as if we're doing it for fun, although half of us hoped that some crazy guy dropped a 20-peso bill on one of these machines. Imagine what you can buy with 20 pesos-- loaves of bread and milk.



When Joseph wasn't looking I went inside a Julie's Bakeshop near the hospital. It was closing and there was a tray of small Graciosa bread left at the side to be disposed. I asked the attendant if I it's okay if I ask for one bread... just one. She refused and said it was already added to the inventory. I tried to convince her again, but Joseph saw this and stopped me. I smiled and said "okay" and went back to the private room.



It was a rough day for us. We were searching the table for something to eat and could'nt find any. We started to look around the room and below the bed and counters looking for coins. We've decided to call it a day and slept hungry. A week later my salary came. The first thought that came to my mind was to go to Julie's and buy plenty of bread. :)

One of those moments shared with my mom at the hospital. Never thought of posting this while she was alive to keep people from thinking that we're starting a fundraiser out of it. This is one of those late night simple moments that are worth keeping.

...to be continued.

Look Back Every Once in a While

“Live your life, take chances, be crazy. Don't wait. Right now is the 

oldest you’ve ever been & the youngest you’ll ever be again.”
- The Notebook

This time last year I was a totally different person. I lived in a decent place down South of Cebu City with a small wooden bed (without mattress), a mini office and a portable computer. I had piles of bills on my table, mourning the death of a very close friend and still bearing the agonizing heartache of a recent breakup (for already eight months that time). I was in the middle of a huge project, working for food rather than money and despite the temporary shortcomings I was living in solitude.

I'm now far from what I once was but not yet what I'm going to be.

I'm living comfortably in Mactan Island, away from the life that I used to live for the past few months. I had issues back in the city. I'm currently unemployed, starting a humble advertising company and living with a very good friend. I have not yet reached any of my long term big dreams and my life is awfully stagnant. I have lost my computer, the portfolio of my pride and I'm now wearing a three-month-old scar on my right wrist.

I'm now 21 and uncertain about anything. Uncertain about going abroad or staying, being in a relationship or remaining single and even hesitant to decide if I’ll settle down or travel for the rest of my life.

I went back to my 2010 “Plans List” to see if there was something I was missing. I’ve already had my investment, learned the things I wanted to learn, went to different places and moved on from past heartbreaks. I’ve fulfilled everything that I’ve wanted. I’ve grown. What now?

I don’t know what’s going to happen next but looking back on the adversities that I’ve been through for the past two years, I could almost say that the future doesn’t matter as of the moment. I want to thank God for the kind of woman that He has shaped me: Free-spirited, strong, curious, independent and loving.

I’ve grown too fast for someone who is self-made.

How many times have I almost fallen for temptations that could greatly change the route of my life? How many questions have I asked myself to weigh tough decisions and how many friends have saved me from pointing my finger on the wrong path?

Sometimes you need to stop comparing your achievements to other people’s successes in order to truly see what you have earned in life. I have lived in Mactan for almost three months now and I’ve already met more than thirty people since I came. I’ve learned that no matter how successful a person is, he is in dying need of something that can’t be fulfilled. And through this understanding I have learned to deal with people fairly, looking through them and measuring the quality of their lives not through their successes but through the hardships they’ve been through in order to attain them.

I know I’ll be leaving Mactan soon to embark on another journey towards happiness. I have the need to meet people, to know more about the world and to live life to the fullest. When I was younger I used to dream about living in Mactan for good but now’s not the right time to settle down. My life has just started; I’m too young to fence myself in. There are still so many people to know, lives to change and things to learn.

I pray that I’ll be a better person in the next two years— much more beautiful in spirit, despite the scars that I’ll be getting from my adventures.

Lead Me.

Everything Looks Like a Struggle... In the Middle

“Real obstacles don't take you in circles. 

They can be overcome...

Like a maze.” ~ Barbara Sher

The year started a little unfortunate.

I have not spent the New Year's Eve with my family but we are in good terms. I know, because we have to be in good terms during this time of the year. If the year won't start good, the rest of the year will be troublesome. You know, the superstitious folks.

I dropped my phone on the toilet while taking a pee this morning. It's not working now. Panic Alert! Does that mean my whole year won't be working?

Kidding aside, we all have these superstitious beliefs. On New Year's Eve, I wore my one and only polka dot shirt and red underwear. My 2012 horoscope says I'll be doing fine this year.

You might not lose anything in faith. If you truly believe in something, it will likely happen. Not because destiny's doing it's thing to make it happen autopilot but because you believe it enough to make it happen. It's not about believing or not believing. The real question is: is it worth believing? Will it change the quality of your life?

I said my first prayer this year an hour ago. And by praying, I mean talking and not just praising and asking. I think I just had a love quarrel with God. Too many questions, life's too uncertain. The plans that weren't materialized last 2011 were things I wanted to be materialized this year. I wanted to change the system, I don't even want to live under a system. But sometimes reality has its own way of making your life miserable. It really is perhaps designed to make our lives miserable. The fun part is beating reality.

Life is designed to be uncertain. It has to be. It's an obstacle. I have learned through years of experience that there's nothing certain about life. You get in to the maze without knowledge about how the labyrinth looks like, where the paths go... You just get in and live it. You shouldn't fear about getting lost and stuck in life. The greatest fear that anyone could have is living and just passing. Passing, without footprints on other people's lives. Existing for the sake of existence. Breathing without feeling or feeling without loving.

The struggle between birth and death is what makes life colorful. So be thankful for all the obstacles along the way. 'Cos if there wasn't a labyrinth and the path's just straight, you live the years in consistent boredom. Cry, if you must-- you are born to feel.

Remember that obstacles are designed and made. If there's an obstacle, there's a goal. We are given challenges because God knows we can solve them. I don't think God would want to waste our time putting us through things without purpose. Winning or losing a challenge give us lessons. Winning makes us confident, failing makes us strong.

Several people have lost loved ones last year. Most of them have spent their Christmas away from home. They have lost their homes and so as their lives. Be thankful that despite all the pain you're going through, you still have some of your essentials intact.

Start your year with a new mindset.
May you live the best year of your life.

Feel Blessed for What You're Not Blessed With

It takes courage to grow up and become

who you really are ~E.E. Cummings

I woke up early this morning to do some errands. I've been doing this for a couple of weeks now, taking long trips from Papa's place to Camp Crame to do the papers for the family business back at Cebu. Last night I've been drinking too much Heineken and despite the slurry speech and shaking knees I still managed to wake up at 4am and do all these tasks.

See, we pay almost half a million Pesos every year just to renew our business' License. Knowing the current status of this industry and having been able to work with all the billings and payrolls myself, I sometimes doubt if we have really managed to break even.

I need to take a long 45-minute walk to be at Recto's station at 7:00am. There are jeepneys, kuligligs and tri-cycles, but I prefer to do the long walk. It takes almost an hour before a jeepney would leave its favorite loading station and it would cost me 40 pesos to get to the LRT station in 15 minutes with the kuligligs. Pretty fast, but not worth my PHP40.00.

My friends would complain about me being cheap and frugal. Yes we own a 20-year-old business, in fact I have somehow assisted my sole-proprietor mom to manage some parts of it. I've known some who are sons and daughters of ordinary employees who own those gadgets that I can afford yet won't buy for myself.

If I were fashionable, I won't be taking that long walk. If I own expensive gadgets, I don't think I would take a risk drinking barako drinks at Barako Bars. If my parents weren't cheap, I don't think they would allow me to do all these errands. If I was one of the really fortunate, then I don't think I'd be the person that I am now. I don't think I'd learn something out of life.

I always think that trying to look good limits my life.

I can afford signature clothing, but will I be confident enough to mix with the average crowd without getting noticed? Will I be able to eat at pungko-pungko stalls without looking so awkward? That's the point. Sometimes you have to feel blessed because you aren't blessed with things that some people consider essential in life.

Some people might be deliciously sexy but they haven't experienced life to its fullest. If I did not dropout my college subjects, I wouldn't be this mature. If I wasn't left by my real mom when I was an infant, I wouldn't meet the less fortunate crowd and learn from them. If me and my ex went on until now, then it would have taken long before we realize the value of time we both have wasted. If I was so rich I could buy a soul, I wouldn't have learned how to appreciate and be satisfied.

See, I can afford things but I don't buy them just because I can. I'm blessed. Too blessed that God did not allow me to touch the things that only the billionaires can touch; to experience drinking the most expensive beverage with a Golden Cup and be vain for life.

Think about it. Misfortunes were placed perfectly in order to give you the character you have now. Shouldn't you be thankful enough? :)

Thinking and Growing Rich

The key to happiness is to have a  dream,

The key to success is making them come true.

I haven’t eaten anything for 3 days now. I have lived on water and a few chips (three days ago). I honestly am a bit depressed yesterday, I’ve just missed my job interview for the “big job” that I’ve been preparing for. My USB modem was borrowed by a friend and wasn’t returned on time. It wasn’t really mine at the first place.

Anyway, I woke up this afternoon feeling dead. I almost couldn’t move a muscle and wanting to puke my stomach out. I woke up several times today but didn’t bother rising up. I’m as immobile as any non-kinetic inanimate object. I’m getting thinner but heavier because I’m getting weaker as well.

Because I haven’t eaten much, I started to think of this as my way of fasting for special intentions. Accidental fasting, really. These “special intentions” might motivate me despite my demotivating condition. As much as I wanted to get pissed off, I just can’t. I don’t think I’d want to waste my energy on anger.

I prayed and fasted for all the people I love; that they may find happiness and joy in all areas of their life. I also pray that they will continuosly seek God in whatever they do.

It’s quite ironic that a starving lady fasts for all those who are already living in abundance. That’s precisely the point. I don’t want them to go through all these things that I’m experiencing right now because I love them. Living in abundance isn’t really the key to happiness.

I’m not living in abundance but I have an abundant nature. I give as if I possess enough earthly wealth for myself. I give money as if I carry with me a fat purse. I give food to street children as if I have eaten enough this month. I spend time with people I love as if I have so much time left to live my personal desires. I love as if the universe has given me a life full of love. Despite the desperate times, I still dream about being the future Philanthropist that I can be-- build libraries and sponsor weekly feeding on public schools, et cetera. 

I'm a nobody, for now, for a while. But with a burning desire backed with faith, I know someday I can extend my love to those who are in need. I may be starving, I may be broke, but no storm lasts for a month. My goals are definite and I make sure that as I walk my way to success, I'll be lifting other people's lives as well.

I may not see God’s abundance in my life but I see His blessings in myself. At the end of your life, you have nothing else left but you. Everything else passes while you strive forward searching for your purpose.

I have known a lot of people who have good jobs and earn good pays but complain a lot about all day’s work. They gain something but at the end of every single day of their working life, they complain as if they have gained nothing out of whatever they have sacrificed most of their time for.

I, on the other hand, live in food scraps and dreams. I do live an authentic life. Being in the freelance business might be quite a headache sometimes and there’s no guarantee that I could earn residual income for the rest of my life. I worry a lot about the bills and how I’ll be able to live my dream of being a philanthropist without having a lot of money. But I never quit designing websites and serving my clients. I have lived with something that gives me fulfillment. I worked with something that I’m passionate about. If I’ll live again, I want to do the same thing because that’s where I could find my burning desire.

As you read this line, I bless you with abundance and grace. May you live the life that gives you motivation. You might be rich or jobless, it doesn’t matter. God has laid out his plans for you too see your worth. Live your purpose and be happy with what you have without having to stop dreaming about what you can have soon. 

Why You Need to Make Mistakes

 It's harder to stand than to fall.

Today, I spent the whole afternoon talking to a friend. But despite all the talking, I had one hand doing all the extra chores and hobbies.

I was talking to her while doing the laundry.
I was talking to her while drawing.
And for the record, I was talking to her while eating my favorite chips (Sweet Chili, yes!).

I usually keep a Dream Diary beside me while I drift away to Dreamland and this afternoon, I had the chance to share my dream to her as she read some e-books from my massive virtual library.

"I don't dream", She said.

That's ridiculous! We all dream. It's part of us, it's our subconscious doing its "thing" while our physical bodies fall asleep! I have never met anybody in my life who have never experienced dreaming.

"Although I have dreamt once or twice, I remember"
Sheesh. That's a relief!

Aside from not having dreams, there are so many reasons that made her one of the most mysterious people I know. At 20, she said she never had a lover or remembered ever falling in love to somebody. I asked her if it might be because she was pre-occupied on other thoughts and passions, she said she is but it's not the reason.

Aside from that, she used to tell me about having a huge "gap" in her life. In one way or another, she knows that something is missing, she just can't point a finger or give it a name. There were times when she felt empty and confused but didn't know why. I told her it might be because she never had that 'falling in or out of love' experience. She wasn't sure.

I am a dreamer, adventurer... And explorer. I can never imagine myself not dreaming while asleep or not having the experience of falling in love. But as I grow old, I've met different kinds of people with different experiences. I've met people who were full of grace and glory and some, just like her, who are empty.

Once in my life, I have experienced feeling empty but that was because I've just had my biggest breakup dilemma. My life is always full of something-- full of hopes, dreams, problems, mistakes or reasons. I took risks to experience winning and losing.

If you feel empty right now, I urge you to take risks. Screw up now! Do a BIG screw up! Make mistakes... It's the only way to start all over and learn. If you don't take your first baby step, you won't learn anything. Remember that in life, the most boring game to play is to play safe. As long as you think you're happy and you won't hurt anybody, go for whatever you want to achieve.

They often say that God doesn't give us problems that we can't handle. I don't believe it. I have been through a lot of stress and I've lost weight after having a lousy breakup and I almost lost my mind. I wasn't really able to handle it, I died after that.

You see, sometimes God give us problems and burdens that we can't carry. Yes, that wasn't a typo error. HE DOES! After all the effort you have exerted on creating that Tower of Personality, a big problem speeds up towards you like a heavy bowling ball, ready to perfectly smash your entire Tower of Personality. God breaks you and destroys you because you need to start building again. Because it's not the personality that you're designed to have.

It's His way of doing things. Of giving you a D mark. Sometimes you need to fail in order to realize that you are taking the wrong course. That this course isn't meant for you and you need to shift. It's all part of the Big Plan.

When you're destroyed, the hard thing isn't the HARD KNOCK or the falling but the standing up. It's harder to stand than to fall. In standing after a hard blow, you are not just fighting the law of gravity, you're also bearing all the pain.

But do you know what's the common mistake of people who fail?
They don't stand up.
Instead, they mourn and blame themselves or the world.
They stay in the ground until they realize it's too late to stand.

While enjoying a dinner in a close friend's house in Bohol, his father once told us his success secret: "If you give your best to the world, the world will give its best to you". I was only 14 when I first heard that line and it took me 5 years to understand what it really meant. Then I looked back at my experience 12 years ago...

When I had my first bike, I did not learn to drive it overnight. It took me four days to understand balance with strategies and combined approaches from my "professional driver" friends. This might sound nothing to you but you have to consider this: I was only 8 years old to be considered suicidal (with all those "almost" self-inflicted injuries). I still have this big scar on my knee but I wear it with pride. I did not learn because I had a good bike or a professional trainer, I learned through negative experiences. I took the wounds, stared at the black and blue bruises on my legs and the world gave me learning.

The world doesn't require your achievements for you to gain what you want from it, although it can be a big plus (considering the confidence and fame that you can get out of them). Sometimes, when you don't own anything or you're not best at anything, the world will still give its best to you. The world usually gives you a blow after a blow after a blow... Yes, it's pathetic! The world is a mad boxer. But if the world sees you stand up after every hard blow, it rewards you because of your persistence. And after each blow, you'll become stronger and wiser-- you get used to the pain and master avoiding the punches. Remember what the Buddha once said:

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock,
The stream always wins – 
Not through strength, but through persistence."

When the Road Seems Impossible, Just Keep Walking

The road to success is always 

under construction. ~Lily Tomlin

I only have ten pesos left in my pocket.

It's 8:30 PM and I haven't had my dinner yet. I have scattered jobs and earnings I call virtual money (simply because I don't have them in hand) but I don't have cash. Being hungry and penniless aren't new to me. I have even survived 3 days of "forced fasting". Forced because I didn't have any choice.

Some friends ask me how I survive this foolishness. It's all very simple.

Because I love history and the stories of people who marked the timelines, I easily make them my role model. I am a walking example of Ghandi, Prisoners of War, Anne Frank and Corrie Ten Boom-- Combined! (Not as good as them, though). I learned through their experience and even when things are getting tough and impossible, I never said No.

Walking from Minglanilla to Manalili (roughly 15 kilometers) was one of the craziest things I've ever done. And whenever I'm in an impossible situation, I look back to that experience. I often tell them that I did it in order to take the examinations but that's honestly too shallow for such a big deed. A huge part of me was trying to "prove" that I can make it. I was a rebel, and on that day, I was driven by my pride. The reason wasn't noble after all.

Every time I make decisions that are too big and take risks that are almost impossible, there's always an emotional story behind. Doing these things might make me look tough but if you dig deeper, I was nothing but immature. I was driven by the anger and pain of being pushed down. But I never regret that experience.

Even if I haven't eaten anything before I did that walk.
Even if I had a fever the next day.
Even if I didn't reach the examinations on time.

If you analyze your failures, you will see secrets to success. And since  I have experienced something that big, whenever I experience misfortune, I often look back to that experience and use it to my own advantage. It became one of my big motivators. It's always great to be inspired by your own story.

But I also had an inspiration the moment I've decided to take that walk.

We had a book entitled "Stories of Great Escapes" which was published by Reader's Digest. The stories were inspired by real life struggles of men and women during the World War. There was a story entitled "The Long Walk" about 5 prisoners of war who escaped and walked for 2 years from Russia to India. Only 2 of the 5 prisoners reached their destination. The other 3 died.

I took the story seriously and applied it in real life.
I thought, if they were able to walk several miles in order to reach their destination, what stops me from walking a few kilometers?

There were times during my walk that I wanted to stop and go back but I'm already halfway there. I just can't stop. I was under the heat of the sun, hungry, penniless and mad. I was only 15 and I was immature enough to be fueled by such an impossible novel. But I made it to the finish line.

I've had so many experiences that were fueled by my adventurous thinking.
That's the reason why I'm not afraid to take risks.

Apart from the fact that I'm fond of wearing myself thin and taking risks, my adventurous soul seeks the true meaning of life. I belong to an unhappy family, we had so many trials that were impossible to bear because we don't unite. We hated one another.

My family situation made my life almost meaningless. But meaningless doesn't mean meaningless forever. That's why I keep on searching for a meaning. I've done things that hurt but they all give me lessons. Somehow, I've gained confidence from my experience. When I was 18, I have learned a lot about life already.

As I travel in this new chapter of my life, I'm experiencing recycled trials. When I'm alone, I kneel down at the edge of my bed and pray. I often tell God "Lord, I don't know what these things are for but I embrace them with all of me."

Failures aren't really signs that tell us that we're getting nowhere

So whenever you feel like everything seems impossible, keep walking. If you stop, you might realize that you have stopped digging 3 meters from the golden treasure. You don't stop climbing the mountain because it's getting higher and harder. If you are passionate about your goals, there is no reason to stop. Failures aren't really signs that tell us that we're getting nowhere. You don't win your way to success, there will be bumps along the way. Keep the faith and believe in yourself.