Don't Let Words Stab You

 

You need to eat the ugly-tasting spinach 

in order to reach your full potential

This morning I woke up feeling lonely.

It’s been 5 months since I broke up with my ex-significant other. That person even left me for somebody else. There’s really no reason for me to dwell in the past that does not work. But I often ask myself, why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling sad?

I’ve already moved on.

I already have the guts to delete the past messages and burn the letters.

I guess this isn’t about my love life. You see, I’m happy with my life right now. I have friends and hobbies that steal a big portion of my time without guilt. I love my new home and my computer. I guess this isn’t about my love life after all but rather the failures I’ve experienced after that recent breakup.

When you’re being left by the love of your life and they tell you that you have no worth in their lives, you feel like you have no worth on everything at all. In my case, I was left with a goodbye sentence saying ‘you’re too idealistic’. Now, that’s true... But guess how it blew me away.

I lost my confidence.

I lost my optimism.

It changed me forever.

That’s why I wake up in the morning feeling empty. I drown myself in adjectives that pierce my soul. But the truth is not the same for everybody. And even if I was idealistic, it’s not a bad thing after all.

Without idealism, there would be no airplanes.

Without idealism, there would be no bungee jumping.

Without idealism, there won’t be Walt Disney Studios.

Idealism is a gift from God. It fuels your imagination in order to imagine the impossible and do things to make it happen. And most of the time, with realistic actions, idealistic ideas come to life. As I type this line, I’m feeling better.

Again, the truth is not the same for everybody.

After every breakup, what remains are echoes of words that really give a huge impact to our  lives. Sometimes our ‘betterhalves’ have to hurt us so we could move on. They tend to tell us words that stab like knives so we could hate them and find someone else. It’s one way for them to say ‘You deserve someone better’.

Consume those bitter words to fuel your soul and make you strong. They don’t exist to push you down but to pull you up. You need to eat the ugly-tasting spinach in order to reach your full potential.

Problems Give You Worth

I'm so important that if I don't do well, 

there will be destruction.

I don't have an internet connection for two days now. I can only imagine the number of notifications and messages I have in Facebook, posting about my new home and new year’s resolution… or my employers flooding in my inbox yelling about all the delays that I’ve caused because of being absent for five consecutive days. I can hear them scream right now… just inside my head. You’ll be amazed at the number of times I cursed my internet service provider— I thought about getting an application in Guiness for this new swearing record. I have said $@%# for so many times in 3 days.

But I’m thankful because of this problem.

I’m not sounding super martyr. I’m thankful.

Really.

Being away from cyberspace gave me time to think of some other things. I was away from the computer for 72 hours. If you know me by heart you won’t believe I can do such a hard thing. I’m married to this computer. With my job and hobbies here, I just can’t look for a reason to go anywhere else. This is The Thing.

Because I had a temporary legal separation with my computer, I had the chance the spend time with my friends. I was forced to listen to their jokes, ghost stories and help them with their problems. I became a better person with a strong purpose for 72 hours. I had a good sleep. Because I had nothing left to do, I was forced to meditate and walk back and forth without realizing that I’m starting to look stupid.

And about my new home…

It’s perfect.

It depends on how you define ‘perfect’.

I live in a quiet place down south. I’m not good at counting square meters but this room is decently small. I brought with me most of my stuff including my PC and printer then several books. I need to go back to Manalili to get the remaining stuff. I have a lot of things to place here.

I brought a friend with me and sometimes some friends come and visit. I have really nice neighbors who think we were happy people. I left my problems several kilometers away from here. I often laugh aloud with my friends and spend time with them in the balcony and enjoy the evening.

And the balcony? Perfect.

If you know my standards, you’ll know what ‘perfect’ means to me.

The balcony has a sofa (and the color’s my ex’s favorite). It’s a good place to enjoy a warm cup of coffee. There’s a huge tree at the side of the house. I love trees. :)

This is a small space I’ve rented for a decent amount. When I say decent, it would mean that it’s quite pricey but very reasonable. As what I’ve said on my previous post, I don’t have a decent job. Renting this space would mean asking myself ‘What was I thinking at the first place?’. But I really love this place. I want to stay here for a long time. I want this to be my new home.

There are always pros and cons.

But the cons never outnumbered the pros.

Yes, renting would mean a lot of expenses, et cetera. There will be responsibilities and obligations to face in order to live. But who said I hate responsibilities? Who said I’m allergic to obligations? I love these. These things give me a sense of purpose. That if I don’t perform the tasks that I’m committed to, a lot of things will fail.

I’m so important that if I won’t do well, there will be destruction.

That if the plane will lose one wing, all the passengers will die, their families will mourn and the airline company will surely fail. Tourists will be having second thoughts about traveling and tourist spots won’t generate income. A lot of people will starve and the world won’t become a better place… Just because of one lousy wing!

Problems would seem to look like pain in the butt for most of us. But if we try to look at them in a different way and believe in the old saying that ‘everything happens for a reason’, they will come natural for us.

That’s all for now. Have to eat. :)

When You're in Ground Zero

 

I don’t think positive. I think negative and act positive. 

Tonight I’ll be moving to my new home. I think I’m always better off alone someplace away from my family. My family is dysfunctional, and I can’t blame them for being such. There is no perfect family and it just so happened that mine is too imperfect.

This is going to be another chapter of my life, that’s why I’m making another blog about it. I think this is going to be exciting and I’m going to experience another set of struggles along the way. People hate struggles but I call them challenges, aside from making it sound fancy, it makes me feel like a champion.

I took the challenge.

I entered the challenge.

I will survive the challenge.

Human life isn’t just about survival. You need to survive with courtesy, pride and respect unlike animals killing one another. If we could only kill our enemies right away, it could have been easier but it won’t make the world a better place.

Enough about survival. Let’s talk about how I’m going to start this all over again.

¾ of  the money I have today goes to the rent. And what’s left— only God knows. I can’t imagine myself chewing paper for the next couple of weeks. This isn’t my first financial struggle, that’s why I’m confident about it. I always thought that nothing beats living in Tondo when it comes to financial struggle.

But of course I have to eat and drink for the next couple of weeks.

I used to go through the same problems but this time I want to perform better. Just like that classic Super Mario game, every level doesn’t get easier. I always thought about living in Manila alone as the hardest challenge I took but it isn’t— yet. Yes, I’ve experienced all kinds of pain back then but I had a companion. Like Mario’s Yoshi, I had the love of my life with me. But now I’m in Ground Zero.

I don’t have Yoshi with me.

I don’t have that super fireball powers.

Less motivation.

Plus a pile of family problems.

I’m literally on my own now.

See, I don’t have a stable job. If I’ll lose an employer or two that’s going to mean another searching. And there will be bumps along the way. I might lose my internet connection, worry about food and fix my eyes on the pile of bills, enough to find myself down enough not to work productively. There are always bumps and I’m never optimistic about it. I don’t think positive. I think negative and act positive.

The only thing I’m positive about is my view of life. Life isn’t full of problems but full of challenges. My choice of words show how I define life. The way I see things show how I see life. Life has no meaning. How you live it gives it definition.

I love wearing myself thin. Crossing the impossible and making big decisions that take risk. It’s not that I love failing but all these challenges give me meaning. The people I meet, the scenarios I face make me whole.

People think I love problems. I love risks.

I don’t.

I love to go through the impossible not because I love the impossible.

I don’t want to fail.

I don’t want to get hurt.

But sometimes we need to tap in the difficult sides of life in order to be close to God. The easiest and safest way to see God might be going to church, kneeling and praying. I see Him there. Only a bit of Him. But when I’m close to dangers, he’s even nearer. And in cases like these, I call on him even more. When prophets have their first encounter of God, something impossible is always happening.

That’s why when something greatly huge is happening to me, I’m forced to kneel down and call on God all night long. Just like my recent breakup with my significant other.

People think I don’t pray.

Yes, I don’t pray.

I just talk. Talk to Him. Sing songs for Him.

I don’t really have to tell the world about it.