When You're in Ground Zero

 

I don’t think positive. I think negative and act positive. 

Tonight I’ll be moving to my new home. I think I’m always better off alone someplace away from my family. My family is dysfunctional, and I can’t blame them for being such. There is no perfect family and it just so happened that mine is too imperfect.

This is going to be another chapter of my life, that’s why I’m making another blog about it. I think this is going to be exciting and I’m going to experience another set of struggles along the way. People hate struggles but I call them challenges, aside from making it sound fancy, it makes me feel like a champion.

I took the challenge.

I entered the challenge.

I will survive the challenge.

Human life isn’t just about survival. You need to survive with courtesy, pride and respect unlike animals killing one another. If we could only kill our enemies right away, it could have been easier but it won’t make the world a better place.

Enough about survival. Let’s talk about how I’m going to start this all over again.

¾ of  the money I have today goes to the rent. And what’s left— only God knows. I can’t imagine myself chewing paper for the next couple of weeks. This isn’t my first financial struggle, that’s why I’m confident about it. I always thought that nothing beats living in Tondo when it comes to financial struggle.

But of course I have to eat and drink for the next couple of weeks.

I used to go through the same problems but this time I want to perform better. Just like that classic Super Mario game, every level doesn’t get easier. I always thought about living in Manila alone as the hardest challenge I took but it isn’t— yet. Yes, I’ve experienced all kinds of pain back then but I had a companion. Like Mario’s Yoshi, I had the love of my life with me. But now I’m in Ground Zero.

I don’t have Yoshi with me.

I don’t have that super fireball powers.

Less motivation.

Plus a pile of family problems.

I’m literally on my own now.

See, I don’t have a stable job. If I’ll lose an employer or two that’s going to mean another searching. And there will be bumps along the way. I might lose my internet connection, worry about food and fix my eyes on the pile of bills, enough to find myself down enough not to work productively. There are always bumps and I’m never optimistic about it. I don’t think positive. I think negative and act positive.

The only thing I’m positive about is my view of life. Life isn’t full of problems but full of challenges. My choice of words show how I define life. The way I see things show how I see life. Life has no meaning. How you live it gives it definition.

I love wearing myself thin. Crossing the impossible and making big decisions that take risk. It’s not that I love failing but all these challenges give me meaning. The people I meet, the scenarios I face make me whole.

People think I love problems. I love risks.

I don’t.

I love to go through the impossible not because I love the impossible.

I don’t want to fail.

I don’t want to get hurt.

But sometimes we need to tap in the difficult sides of life in order to be close to God. The easiest and safest way to see God might be going to church, kneeling and praying. I see Him there. Only a bit of Him. But when I’m close to dangers, he’s even nearer. And in cases like these, I call on him even more. When prophets have their first encounter of God, something impossible is always happening.

That’s why when something greatly huge is happening to me, I’m forced to kneel down and call on God all night long. Just like my recent breakup with my significant other.

People think I don’t pray.

Yes, I don’t pray.

I just talk. Talk to Him. Sing songs for Him.

I don’t really have to tell the world about it.